As a single parent to 18 year-old Scarlet, Kirsty is used to juggling the dual responsibilities of a career and motherhood and in a recent interview with Power of the Parent’s Charlotte Speaks, Kirsty shared her thoughts and experience.

Here are some of Kirsty’s key insights from the interview or you can watch the full conversation here.

Assumptions surrounding single parents in the workplace

Being a solo or co-parent isn’t something that’s often talked about in the workplace, but when it is, it comes with a lot of assumptions. For the first two years after separating from my husband, my daughter lived with him as her primary carer, which some people saw as unusual, because we tend to assume that when parents separate, the mother will be the primary carer.

Another assumption that people often make is that parenting is a constant, steady state, but nothing could be further from the truth. As parents, we’re constantly flexing and adjusting to new situations. 

When my husband and I separated, I had no roadmap for being a full-time working parent. Fortunately, I did have the confidence to lead those conversations with my employers and colleagues - not all organisations are well versed in doing this.  For employers, knowing how to ask people what support they need professionally is key.

It’s also often assumed in the workplace that you can flex with no notice, even as a single parent. When we’re in a long-term steady state relationship and co-parenting, there’s a lot more room for adaptability, but as a single parent, we don’t all have that fluidity; changes to the status quo can be very challenging, particularly if the collaborative relationship isn’t an easy one, which can add pressure for solo working parents. In an organisational setting, there is often an innate pressure towards flexibility which can be very intense. 

Another common assumption concerns boundaries. Yes, single parents face individual challenges and difficulties, and yes, it’s important to start a conversation about that. However, that doesn’t mean that they owe us their story. Boundaries are still really important; employers and colleagues don’t need to know all the details in order to accommodate the needs of single parents in the workplace.

The importance of curiosity

In my view, curiosity is the antidote to assumptions! If you add some genuine curiosity - without being nosey - in order to understand where someone is at and what support they need, then you can be in the right place to let it unfold. By letting ourselves stay with the conversation long enough, then the solution will often emerge without needing to know all the answers. The key is keeping the conversation open and enabling flexibility to accommodate changing situations. 

Often, curiosity just looks like simple questions: what do you need me to know? What do you want to share with me? It’s not a difficult skill for managers to learn, but sometimes they’re afraid of getting it wrong, or not having all the answers, which can hold them back. But it shouldn’t! Nobody’s perfect - it’s a learning experience for everyone.

Providing support and ‘checking in’

If you’re a single parent in the workplace, then trying to present yourself as perfect, with everything under control, probably won’t help you. I remember times when it felt like I was white water rafting through parenting!

What does help is to be able to acknowledge that vulnerability, and seek out the people that you can trust and lean into when things are challenging. Everybody needs a support person, someone who can check in with us and make sure that everything is okay. Often, those people are there, but there can be a lack of visibility surrounding that kind of support.

Stop hiding

Many single, solo and co-parents feel like they have to hide parts of themselves in the workplace. We should recognise that it’s natural and it’s okay if we don’t reveal everything. Find someone that you can start to build trust with and share more. You are the one who owns your story: being vulnerable isn’t about sharing everything. Think about what context matters and what’s important for you to share. A great way to work this out is through journalling - start by thinking about what you currently share, what you don’t, and where the overlap could be. Then start to look at what it would take for you to be comfortable enough to share more, and what would make your life easier.

As a line manager, if you want to support solo and co-parents in the workplace, then it’s important to be explicit about the fact that you don’t have all the knowledge and information. My top tips for this include:

• Explain that you want to understand and learn more about the lived experience of the people in your organisation. 

• Demonstrate that you are listening and actively pursuing more knowledge and trying to find out how you can help.

• Keep checking in with your staff: ask them how they’re doing and whether your actions are helping or hindering. Ask how you can improve. That vulnerability will help you to co-create a solution together.

In her new book, Untangled: a practical and inspirational guide to change we choose and change we don’t, Kirsty combines personal stories with helpful tools and resources for navigating change in your own life. Visit the Untangled website for more information, or to order your copy.